So many good lines in here… this one might be my favorite…
I was thirty-two at the time, just entering my late adolescent phase.
Loved the macro point toward the end about not always having to define what makes a good marriage. That entire paragraph is outstanding, covers so much ground in so few words. Well done, both getting there irl and on the page.
Oh, I'm so pleased you've republished this one, Rob, and thanks for the mention!
You and Emma are wise. "We were each breaking long-held rules we’d made about who we thought we should be with." Here's to letting go of fixed ideas and allowing room for change and tolerance.
Rob, your columns, with your beautiful, poignant writing, often leave me musing and thoughtful. Some thoughts on this column: After 26 years, my husband and I realized that we needed to divorce, and 20 years later, we have achieved--and are still working towards-what a wise rabbi wrote in his book Divorce is a Mitzvah (mitzvah=commandment, a shocking title until you read the book to see what he meant.) Rabbi Netter said that it's essential in both a great marriage and divorce (provided that the spouse isn't an abuser, gambler, etc;)---to "call out to the best in each other, whenever possible." My 'amicable ex' was a part of my life for so long, and we're still woven into each other's lives, with his wonderful wife of 15 years, our family and friends celebrations, and as grandparents who share the joy of our kids and grandchild. We are now free to "call out to the best in each other," and our lives, and those of our family, are richer for it. And then there are my parents, who were happily married for 70 years. At their 65th anniversary, our own Rabbi blessed them and asked them the secret to their loving marriage. My brilliant mom had the beginnings of dementia at that time, so my dad answered, "The secret is: 'Yes, dear!'" and the congregation cracked up. Mom and Dad saw the best in each other when they could, from the time they fell in love in high school, through everything that came later. So, I think that each person in a marriage has their own way of relating to one another, for good or ill---and if people such as my ex and I part ways, that has also meant "being together for the long haul"---just in a different way!
Shelley, you always leave the most wonderful comments—thank you for this. "To call out the best in each other, whenever possible." I love that. I'm so inspired by you and your ex. It's actually an even more courageous and beautiful thing to find the best in someone even post-conflict. What a gift to your kids and grandkids.
And 70 years! I think "Yes dear!" sums it up perfectly. I agree—being together for the long haul can mean so many different things. I'm so happy you shared these stories, and to know about these people in your life. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Rob, for your kindness, and interest in what I have to say. It has been such a gift to discover you and your deep and thought-provoking words, and you inspire me in my own unpublished writing (poems and Reflections.) To say a little bit more about my divorce and arriving at the relationship we have today:I know that just like in a marriage, the journey for Gary and I over the years has taken a lot of work, and has included as a foundation the commitment to trust, love (we're not IN love anymore, but we love each other as part of our family) giving each other the benefit of the doubt, and communicating truthfully, all woven into a determination to move out of a bitter space and create something better for all of us---family, friends and community in common. Also, Gary's wife is a generous and loving person who supports us, which is also crucial---we are connected as the ex-wife and current wife, and that is another blessing! Finally, as a former chef for some of the top restaurants in Chicago, Gary now cooks my favorite foods for me when I stay with him and his wife in Colorado while visiting my older son! Talk about a win-win---yum!:-)
It sounds like you are well on the way (as someone who has been married 62 years). If it interests you, I wrote a Note on this very issue which went viral, followed by a Post summarising the responses, but I believe it is considered bad form to add a link. You will find it on my Substack or I can offer the link or you can ignore me altogether, which is perfectly ok too
Are you by chance, like us, an American-English couple? That works for us. Neither of us are from divorced/separated parents, but our parental background could hardly be more different (his parents ran a pub until they drank themselves down the social ladder and my father was a senior official at the UN) but that never seemed to matter at all.
Here's my piece, which incorporates my viral Note, which offers a new take on what makes for a happy marriage, thanks to my husband's wisdom – not mine. I am but the scribe.
You've written it in so many ways. The secret is in a relationship is seldom in oneself, but how one sees and allows the other. Part of how we do this choice, part of it is our (thankfully) evolving perspective on the world (and each other). Thank you for writing!
Nice. I come from an obliterated home. I don’t understand how I made it. My wife( both our 2nd marriage)comes from a more traditional “civilized “ home. She always tells me “ the best thing your parents ever did for you was nothing.” It took me awhile to understand that but as years of therapy and Ala-Non attendance helped me shed my worst character flaws I got what she was saying. We work because we come from different homes and understand the strength and weaknesses of those homes. We also come from long dysfunctional first marriages (26 and 28 years) and understand what we want and what we don’t and how to communicate that. I can speak for myself but I think she would feel the same that the last 9 years have been the best of my life.
Yes, Michael, I often feel the same way. I found it so helpful to have someone else me (like your wife, from a far more stable home) to wonder along with me, "How did you make it through all that?"
You're so right that there are things to learn in both directions, though. Neither my family background, which was full-tilt conflict all the time, or Emma's, which was avoid conflict at all costs, is ideal. As you say, there's a real benefit in learning the strengths and weaknesses from multiple approaches.
I'm so happy to hear about this nine years for you and your wife. Here's to many more. I'm always very happy to hear from you.
Yes, this one is absolutely worth the repost Rob. I appreciated getting to read it again. So real, and human, and tender, and wise. Matt says it in his comment so well, "covers so much ground in so few words." I love how you invoke so much feeling in your pieces and let it do so much work for the communication.
“I hope I’m half the person she sees in me. I don’t know, but I’m trying. I like learning to be that person for her.”
It reminds me of something @Tom Albrighton said about writing in this AI age:
“The point of writing is not just to write your text, but to become the person who wrote it. Each act of writing creates both a text and an author. … In the end, the reward you get from writing is not just the text you create, but also the person you become.”
So many good lines in here… this one might be my favorite…
I was thirty-two at the time, just entering my late adolescent phase.
Loved the macro point toward the end about not always having to define what makes a good marriage. That entire paragraph is outstanding, covers so much ground in so few words. Well done, both getting there irl and on the page.
Thanks so much, Matt! I really appreciate the kind words.
Oh, I'm so pleased you've republished this one, Rob, and thanks for the mention!
You and Emma are wise. "We were each breaking long-held rules we’d made about who we thought we should be with." Here's to letting go of fixed ideas and allowing room for change and tolerance.
Rob, your columns, with your beautiful, poignant writing, often leave me musing and thoughtful. Some thoughts on this column: After 26 years, my husband and I realized that we needed to divorce, and 20 years later, we have achieved--and are still working towards-what a wise rabbi wrote in his book Divorce is a Mitzvah (mitzvah=commandment, a shocking title until you read the book to see what he meant.) Rabbi Netter said that it's essential in both a great marriage and divorce (provided that the spouse isn't an abuser, gambler, etc;)---to "call out to the best in each other, whenever possible." My 'amicable ex' was a part of my life for so long, and we're still woven into each other's lives, with his wonderful wife of 15 years, our family and friends celebrations, and as grandparents who share the joy of our kids and grandchild. We are now free to "call out to the best in each other," and our lives, and those of our family, are richer for it. And then there are my parents, who were happily married for 70 years. At their 65th anniversary, our own Rabbi blessed them and asked them the secret to their loving marriage. My brilliant mom had the beginnings of dementia at that time, so my dad answered, "The secret is: 'Yes, dear!'" and the congregation cracked up. Mom and Dad saw the best in each other when they could, from the time they fell in love in high school, through everything that came later. So, I think that each person in a marriage has their own way of relating to one another, for good or ill---and if people such as my ex and I part ways, that has also meant "being together for the long haul"---just in a different way!
Shelley, you always leave the most wonderful comments—thank you for this. "To call out the best in each other, whenever possible." I love that. I'm so inspired by you and your ex. It's actually an even more courageous and beautiful thing to find the best in someone even post-conflict. What a gift to your kids and grandkids.
And 70 years! I think "Yes dear!" sums it up perfectly. I agree—being together for the long haul can mean so many different things. I'm so happy you shared these stories, and to know about these people in your life. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Rob, for your kindness, and interest in what I have to say. It has been such a gift to discover you and your deep and thought-provoking words, and you inspire me in my own unpublished writing (poems and Reflections.) To say a little bit more about my divorce and arriving at the relationship we have today:I know that just like in a marriage, the journey for Gary and I over the years has taken a lot of work, and has included as a foundation the commitment to trust, love (we're not IN love anymore, but we love each other as part of our family) giving each other the benefit of the doubt, and communicating truthfully, all woven into a determination to move out of a bitter space and create something better for all of us---family, friends and community in common. Also, Gary's wife is a generous and loving person who supports us, which is also crucial---we are connected as the ex-wife and current wife, and that is another blessing! Finally, as a former chef for some of the top restaurants in Chicago, Gary now cooks my favorite foods for me when I stay with him and his wife in Colorado while visiting my older son! Talk about a win-win---yum!:-)
It sounds like you are well on the way (as someone who has been married 62 years). If it interests you, I wrote a Note on this very issue which went viral, followed by a Post summarising the responses, but I believe it is considered bad form to add a link. You will find it on my Substack or I can offer the link or you can ignore me altogether, which is perfectly ok too
Thanks so much, Ann! I don't think it's poor form at all, and would love for you to share the link. I always appreciate your perspective.
Are you by chance, like us, an American-English couple? That works for us. Neither of us are from divorced/separated parents, but our parental background could hardly be more different (his parents ran a pub until they drank themselves down the social ladder and my father was a senior official at the UN) but that never seemed to matter at all.
Here's my piece, which incorporates my viral Note, which offers a new take on what makes for a happy marriage, thanks to my husband's wisdom – not mine. I am but the scribe.
You've written it in so many ways. The secret is in a relationship is seldom in oneself, but how one sees and allows the other. Part of how we do this choice, part of it is our (thankfully) evolving perspective on the world (and each other). Thank you for writing!
Thank you, Melanie! And yes, allowing is exactly the right word. I'm often forgetting, then remembering this again. I appreciate your being here.
Sweet, simple words describing a true, lasting love.
Thank you, Arlene!
Nice. I come from an obliterated home. I don’t understand how I made it. My wife( both our 2nd marriage)comes from a more traditional “civilized “ home. She always tells me “ the best thing your parents ever did for you was nothing.” It took me awhile to understand that but as years of therapy and Ala-Non attendance helped me shed my worst character flaws I got what she was saying. We work because we come from different homes and understand the strength and weaknesses of those homes. We also come from long dysfunctional first marriages (26 and 28 years) and understand what we want and what we don’t and how to communicate that. I can speak for myself but I think she would feel the same that the last 9 years have been the best of my life.
Yes, Michael, I often feel the same way. I found it so helpful to have someone else me (like your wife, from a far more stable home) to wonder along with me, "How did you make it through all that?"
You're so right that there are things to learn in both directions, though. Neither my family background, which was full-tilt conflict all the time, or Emma's, which was avoid conflict at all costs, is ideal. As you say, there's a real benefit in learning the strengths and weaknesses from multiple approaches.
I'm so happy to hear about this nine years for you and your wife. Here's to many more. I'm always very happy to hear from you.
Lovely, joy-making, wise post. You two are so lucky to have found each other. I'm still in my wishing-for-it stage.
This is absolutely adorable.
Oh, thank you, Rona!
Lovely stuff, Rob. Cheered me up on a glum Monday at work!
Hope you’re all having a great summer.
Ah, thanks so much, Andy. So happy to hear this. Glad to be back, and looking forward to catching up on what I've missed from your wonderful writing.
Yes, this one is absolutely worth the repost Rob. I appreciated getting to read it again. So real, and human, and tender, and wise. Matt says it in his comment so well, "covers so much ground in so few words." I love how you invoke so much feeling in your pieces and let it do so much work for the communication.
Wonderful post, Rob. I love this paragraph:
“I hope I’m half the person she sees in me. I don’t know, but I’m trying. I like learning to be that person for her.”
It reminds me of something @Tom Albrighton said about writing in this AI age:
“The point of writing is not just to write your text, but to become the person who wrote it. Each act of writing creates both a text and an author. … In the end, the reward you get from writing is not just the text you create, but also the person you become.”
That was lovely.